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Irrelavant, Worthless, Good for Nothing

  I used to think No…I used to fear That no one thought of me If I wasn’t near. The thought ate me up and followed me everywhere. It kept me up every night As into the dark I stared, Lost in a sea of thoughts my fears grew and grew. Shadows in the dark of everything I ever knew, Stop it, it’s too loud! Please stop, it hurts! I can’t take it all! I press my hands on my ears. Louder they grew, Noisier they got, The thoughts raging in me, Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! Then one day…they stopped? Or so I thought… Then I heard the scream IRRELEVANT, WORTHLESS, GOOD FOR NOTHING! Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! IRRELEVANT! Stop it WORTHLESS! No please GOOD FOR NOTHING! I can’t hear this I worked hard to not be those things, Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! But everything I did told me Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! I cried myself to sleep Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! I put music on really loud Irrelevant, Worthless, Good for Nothing! I kep...
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Chapter 7 Love and Hate

 “Love and Hate are two distinct feelings. I believe that love is felt with the heart and soul, while hate is something that develops as you see the world through the eyes of others. If we learn to see past these flaws, we learn of a greater and more powerful feeling than ever imagined. But it’s almost nearly impossible since we humans aren’t perfect.  Though you can’t judge one for thinking the way he does. Sometimes people go through hell and become demons themselves. Sometimes life has a way of answering our calls. Most of the time, it’s the other side that picks up those cries. To me, life is a gift given to me by a greater power that we can’t understand, so why do most of us feel like we’re walking through the gates of hell as we take one simple breath? There’s too much judgement that why. I am not happy to say that I am part of those who judge, part of the hate that involves me making innocent people feel shame about who they are, but it’s the only way to feel be...
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Chapter 6: Purpose

 Purpose makes me angry, frustrated, sad and happy all at once. We all want to have a purpose in life because sometimes it feels like our reason to carry on and live. I had a purpose, I wanted to work so hard to make sure that I will be able to move to a European country. This has been my goal since forever and in my journey of making it happen, I've reached so many points where I ask myself...is it going to be worth it? Will the move when it happens suddenly be anticlimactic? Will I have a panic attack because now I need a new purpose? How do we find a purpose in life?  I've thought about this in depth. It seems to me that finding a purpose revolved around what makes you happy. If you cannot find a purpose, it is time to reevaluate your life. It's time to ask yourself ' Am I happy and am I truly happy or am I conforming to society's idea of what I should need to make me happy?  Many times we realise that our happiness and purpose stems from society's idea of wh...
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Chapter 5 Truth

The truth is expensive and it's never what it seems. When you watch a movie, something that seems like A turns out to actually be B and we get so excited, clapping and cheering when the truth is revealed and balance is restored. In real life however, then the truth comes out, shit goes down. The price of truth is very high and some people even stake their lives on it. To echo a line from John 18:38 "What is truth?" Growing up we're taught to tell the truth. We're rewarded and applauded when we tell the truth. My brother found money in school once on the ground and turned it in, he was praised during assembly for it. It's a big deal to tell the truth when you're a kid. Things change when you're an adult. Telling the truth is for chumps. You tell the truth and you're considered not street smart and naive. You tell the truth and you're a wuss. You're condemned for the truth. Jesus told the truth about who he was and he was nailed to the cross ...
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Chapter 4: Mental Health

A taboo topic for sure but one that indeed has to be addressed. Mental health is like a death eater flying behind you all the time sucking the life and happiness out of you so much that no amount of chocolate will be able to heal you. Some people don't even look for that chocolate and go on with life sucking the happiness off other people cause they can't be alone in their misery. A cousin once told me that as taboo as it is, seeking help is OK. It's as OK as going to the clinic when you're having fever. Sometimes our head and heart don't cooperate. In those times we always feel like we're beneath a lot of water hands stretching out, bobbing up and down gasping whatever air we can get but never truly finding something so step on or hold on to. It's a lot to feel and it's a lot to handle. Some of us handle it through cutting ourselves, some through drugs, some through alcohol, some through shutting down. Sometimes we know something is wrong when we see...
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Chapter 3 Personality

So there's a study that says we have three faces, one we show the world, one we show friends and family, one that's our true self. We all know that's kind of true in some of us. There's that one personality that we revert to when we're in the presence of a large crowd, there's the personality we have with a small crowd, there's the personality that we have when we're with that small group of friends we trust and that personality we have with ourselves. The one we're really actually comfortable with. What if we were brave enough to be who we really truly are? That personality that you adopt in the confinements of your four walls where you feel the safest. That personality that makes you feel so at ease that you go to sleep engulfed in it. That personality that at the end of the day is the one that you truly enjoy the company of.  I have that personality. In the solitary confinements of my room, I am me. I am the person I want to be, I'm happy...
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Chapter 2 - Clever

I've always thought I was clever. Being clever was..nay is a big deal. Being clever meant that you had a lot to talk about because you thought a lot. You thought about art, music, what's happening in the world, what's happening around you...You think about things people cannot comprehend... some of these you don't either but you try. Comprehension is the ability to understand something not only with your mind but with all of your being. When you comprehend something, you understand it so much that it ultimately becomes a part of you. A regular thought process in your life.  There are only a few things I truly comprehend in this life. How coffee makes everything alright, paying my bills first means I know how much money I have left to enjoy, having a no-no touch savings account is imperative,my dog loves belly rubs, I can't sleep without my doll and maggi noodles are fantastic. Not much I know but these are the things I'm 100% sure of. The rest is hearsay or...
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